Monthly Archives: September 2015

10/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Kids Want To Live In Filth, Let ‘Em!

“My husband and I disagree and I am hoping you can be the tie breaker.

We have two teenagers, ages 15 and 17. I have always felt that they should tidy their rooms and make their beds. My husband disagrees and thinks they should do what they want in their own rooms, so I only ask that they pick things up off the floor once every two weeks so I can vacuum.

After 10 years of this, their rooms are filled with trash and food wrappers, old school papers, clothes that no longer fit, old books and various gadgets, toys, art supplies, the occasional dirty dish, etc.

I ask them to clean out closets. They make a half-hearted attempt and then ignore me. My husband says just let it be, and so I do.

The new school year is upon us and they want more things. More clothes, more school supplies, etc. They have difficulty locating the things they already own!

Would it be unfair of me to give them a deadline to clean out their rooms, and if they do not clean out by then, I will go in and do it for them?

I know they are busy kids, so I don’t mind doing it. But my husband says that they should live in the trash if they want to and if I clean out their rooms, I am invading their privacy.

Do you agree? — Frustrated and Tidy”

Dear Tidy:

No no no no no no no! Do not let them get off that easy. If they fail to clean their rooms you are not responsible for them not getting new things for school. By cleaning their rooms you are setting a precedent that says “Hey, if we wait long enough Mom will end up doing this for us!” You can’t have that.

Here’s the thing: both you and your husband are right. You’re right in wanting them to live in a clean environment and he’s right for wanting them to live in their filth and deal with it themselves. You need to find a balance of your two ideals. The only thing that I think needs to be taken care of immediately is the food wrappers. That’s disgusting.

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09/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Are You Barking Mad?

“My wife and I will soon be first-time grandparents, because our son and his wife are expecting. The problem is their dog.

When they met, his then-girlfriend had a “rescue” dog. As far as I can tell, this dog is vicious and completely out of control.

My son has been bitten at least twice, and the only times I have ever gotten close to the dog it attacked me. When company comes over, the dog is locked in the garage.

Our concern is what happens when they bring the baby home. “Oh, she’s just territorial” is the excuse we hear. Territorial? Wait until a new pet human shows up.

They have several nieces, ranging in age from 1 to 6. We live several states away. Would it be reasonable to ask for photos of the dog playing with the nieces as proof that this dog is safe with children?

We’ve also considered calling the other grandparents, but everyone spends all their energy keeping my son’s wife as happy as she can be.

We have talked about calling child welfare if it appears they plan to let the new baby and the dog live in the same house.

If we do that it would certainly destroy any future relationship, but someone has to have some sense. — Grandparent Prepared to Call CPS”

Dear Grandparent:

You sound like a cat person.

Is “it reasonable to ask for photos of the dog playing with the nieces as proof that this dog is safe with children?” No. It’s entirely unreasonable. They don’t have to show you anything. Just because the dog doesn’t interact well with you doesn’t mean it doesn’t with others. Dogs can be picky. And as a rescue dog, they need more time to adjust to their new surroundings because they may only known a certain, awful, way of life.

What right do you have to call child protective services if they let the dog and baby live in the same house? None. It’s their dog and their baby. They will deal with it on their own terms. Any action you take regarding CPS will only hurt your relationship with you son and daughter-in-law.

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07/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Friend, Discretion Is Advised

“Recently a close friend and her boyfriend visited my family and me. During the visit my friend casually asked about my best friend, “Shelley.” We see each other only a few times a year.

As I was filling in my visiting friend about Shelley’s adorable new apartment she abruptly asked if she was still sleeping with the same (married) man she’s been seeing for years. I was completely dumbfounded and shocked. My visiting friend felt awful that she outed Shelley and said she assumed I already knew.

I feel terrible and wonder why Shelley didn’t tell me about this relationship. It seems dishonest of me not to bring this up with her, and I’ve always been honest with her. Should I tell her I know? I don’t want to throw my visiting friend under the bus for letting it slip. She feels terrible. I am feeling so torn between being honest and upfront about knowing and being respectful of Shelley’s privacy. If she wanted me to know, she would have told me, right? — Upset Friend”

Dear Upset:

Let’s face it, your friend might have found out about Shelley through a third party so don’t feel too bad.

As for Shelley, you can approach her by saying “I heard that this guy you’re seeing is married? Is this true?” If she wants to talk about it, she will. If not, then that’s on her and you should respect that no matter how strongly you disagree with her. Discretion is a must here as doing anything loud or public could severely ruin multiple people’s lives. You and I know what she is doing is wrong but you are not the one to decide how it all plays out.

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06/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – FYI 2+2=5

“I am 65, a retired gay man married to “Jack,” who is 37, who is a musician and a medical researcher.

We’ve been together for 14 years. Yesterday a friend, “Drew,” came back to our city to visit. He came over for dinner. They spent the entire evening discussing music, bands of the ’70s, bands of the ’80s, bands of the present, who was influenced by whom, who the guitar player was in which band.

I’ll admit there were several decades when I did not pay attention to popular music.

I was raised with classical music and am currently studying voice. I felt totally cut out of the conversation.

Let’s face it. Radiohead was NOT influenced by Schubert. Once or twice I tried to interject a new subject, but I felt like I was making a non sequitur. Most of John’s friends have been very supportive of our relationship and have gone out of their way to accept me. Aside from politely excusing myself and retreating to my computer, I’m not sure what I should have done in this situation. Any thoughts? Thank you. — Who is Radiohead?”

Dear Who:

Who is Radiohead? WHO IS RADIOHEAD!? Are you a creep? Are you a weirdo? Am I going to have to call the Karma Police?

Don’t leave me high and dry. This one’s optimistic…that you’ll be able to find a way into the conversation because I’m going to tell you how.

Firstly, how do you know Radiohead wasn’t influenced by Schubert? You gotta listen to them first! Don’t go about making broad statements without evidence. It makes you look ignorant. And THIS is how you can help yourself out in future situations: listen to the bands, artists, and musicians they mentioned and the next time it comes up you can contribute to the conversation. And since you are studying voice, you can add some depth to the conversation by bringing up your lessons and own musical background to add to the conversation.

This is just another jigsaw falling into place of the puzzle that is a relationship. Little by little you will find common musical interests and then it will all be OK…computer.

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06/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Robbing The Cradle Is Better Than Robbing The Grave

“I’m a 16-year-old guy, and am going to be a junior in high school this year.

I’m attracted to a girl, “Randi,” who is a friend of my younger twin sisters. She is 14 and is going to be a freshman at the same school I go to.

We are very close friends, which causes a lot of tension with my sisters and my parents, who think I’m being inappropriate. Randi and I talk all the time, and she has also expressed some interest in me. I’ve been considering whether to ask her out and make it official.

Is my family right about her being too young? She’s very mature for her age. Should I continue to pursue this, or wait and possibly miss my chance? — Slightly Older Guy”

Dear Slightly Older:

You’re not being inappropriate. You’re being a 16-year-old guy who happens to have a thing for a Freshman.

You might want to hold off on saying things like “She’s very mature for her age.” That’s the kind of stuff guys said on To Catch A Predator.

I say go after her. You can hold off for a bit as she settles in to the new school surroundings, ultimately still being present and letting her know you’re around to help. Stay her friend and when you feel that the time is right, ask her out.

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