“Oh, that letter from “Torn” made me crazy!
The birthday boy who wants to exclude Torn’s wife from a party is the same kid who in grade school invited the whole class to his party except for a few of the heartbroken kids. Mean kids grow up to be mean adults. — Inclusive”
Dear Inclusive:
Yup. Some people are dicks for their entire lives.
“I have been with my boyfriend for about eight years.
The other night we went out to dinner with my parents. One of their friends came over to the table to say hello. The conversation came around to this elderly friend’s age. She is 80 years old.
My boyfriend asked her “if she still fools around.”
We were all so embarrassed. He showed no respect to me, my parents or to their friend.
He does not think he said anything wrong. He thinks it is funny. He often talks about our sex life in a social gathering, even though he can see this makes people very uncomfortable. I feel this is a private topic. How do I handle this if it happens again? — Not Amused”
Dear Not:
Woof.
Ouch.
Other synonyms for falling flat on ones face.
Your boyfriend seems to lack a filter when it comes to things of a sexual nature. This is a problem.
He’s also painfully unfunny. I recommend you talk with him in private and tell him that the things that you two do between the sheets are between the two of you and no one else. If he continually brings it up in other conversations then you might want to kick him out of the bed and see how he changes … or doesn’t.
“My husband “Steve” and I have been married for eight years, and together for a total of 12. He’s 31; I’m 28.
Five years ago I cheated on him with my best friend. My husband found out about it and I came clean about everything. I haven’t seen or been in touch with the other person since then.
For the past five years my life has been a living hell. Steve goes through my phone, texts, calls, emails, social media and mail. I just ignore this because I have nothing to hide.
If I’m talking on the phone I’m instantly accused of talking to “my boyfriend.” He has been emotionally and verbally abusive, and has been physically abusive twice. When I suggested marriage counseling he said I “wasn’t worth it, never have been and never will be.” He’s “thrown me out” on numerous occasions and then once I pack up my personal belongings he becomes loving and caring toward me.
Two weeks ago he sent me a text saying I had two hours to get home or he was throwing all of my stuff in the front lawn. When I got home he had all of my stuff packed.
I moved out. Steve and I have talked, but he still refuses marriage counseling. He wants me to move back in, says he loves me and doesn’t want me to leave. He said he will give me a month to move back in or he’s filing for divorce.
I don’t know what to do. I’ve lost all but one of my friends and have lost contact with most of my family because of Steve, so I don’t have many people to talk to. I know the easiest thing would be to go back to him, but I just feel in a few months everything will go back to the way it was. — Walking on Eggshells”
Dear Walking:
I’m going to defer this question to my friend Smeagol. Let’s hear what he has to say:
“My partner of three years and I are very happy together and love each other. We are in our mid-20s, live together and have discussed future plans, although neither of us feels ready for marriage yet.
We both agree that in the next five to 10 years, we’d like to be married with kids. My qualm is this: He doesn’t think that a lifelong commitment is realistic. He thinks that after an unspecified amount of time divorce or unhappiness are inevitable and that no two people can sustain a happy relationship “forever.”
I almost want to ask if he sees himself married (to anyone) and keeping separate retirement accounts — but he might actually think that’s a good idea.
Can you suggest a more level-headed approach? I want to know if I’m wasting my time with someone who does not want the same future I do.
There are good reasons people split up, but I think making this commitment with an exit plan creates a self-fulfilling prophecy.
What do you think? — Anxious”
Dear Anxious:
He’s right about one thing: that no two people can sustain a happy relationship forever. That’s impossible. There will be ups and downs but if there truly is a connection then the storm can be weathered together.
My question to you is why do you want to be with someone who is so negative about the long term? This shows that he doesn’t believe that you and he will be together forever. If you still want to go through with marriage then you should have a contingency plan for that inevitable exit. Keep your finances separate and your ear to the ground.
“My husband and I have been arguing about this for the past year.
I picked out my engagement ring and wedding band before my husband ever asked me to marry him. I love my rings and there is absolutely nothing wrong with them.
While my mom was going through cancer treatments she gave me her wedding set (the diamond is a very old family diamond). I asked my husband if we could get the diamond put into a new setting and wear the new ring with my original wedding band instead of my engagement ring. I was honored that my mom entrusted me with her wedding set (since my parents are still married) and since the diamond is a family diamond I would love to be able to wear it instead of hiding it away in a jewelry box.
I believe that by still wearing my wedding band with the new ring it is a good compromise. I’ll be wearing what my husband put on my finger when we got married as well as wearing an old family stone.
My husband thinks that because I asked to do this that I don’t like my rings anymore or that they don’t mean anything to me. — Ringed Out”
Dear Ringed:
The ring is yours. Your own. Your precious.
Take a gander at that Boromir quote above. “It is a strange fate that we should suffer so much fear and doubt over so small a thing.” Never has that been more accurate outside of the Lord of the Rings books & movies than now. You are suffering with your husband over such a small thing that surely there can be a compromise.
Perhaps you can combine the two engagement rings and create something that is part old family and your new family. Bridge the two new families into an infinite circle that you would wear daily.
John Kidde Writes 