Tag Archives: Advice

07/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Friend, Discretion Is Advised

“Recently a close friend and her boyfriend visited my family and me. During the visit my friend casually asked about my best friend, “Shelley.” We see each other only a few times a year.

As I was filling in my visiting friend about Shelley’s adorable new apartment she abruptly asked if she was still sleeping with the same (married) man she’s been seeing for years. I was completely dumbfounded and shocked. My visiting friend felt awful that she outed Shelley and said she assumed I already knew.

I feel terrible and wonder why Shelley didn’t tell me about this relationship. It seems dishonest of me not to bring this up with her, and I’ve always been honest with her. Should I tell her I know? I don’t want to throw my visiting friend under the bus for letting it slip. She feels terrible. I am feeling so torn between being honest and upfront about knowing and being respectful of Shelley’s privacy. If she wanted me to know, she would have told me, right? — Upset Friend”

Dear Upset:

Let’s face it, your friend might have found out about Shelley through a third party so don’t feel too bad.

As for Shelley, you can approach her by saying “I heard that this guy you’re seeing is married? Is this true?” If she wants to talk about it, she will. If not, then that’s on her and you should respect that no matter how strongly you disagree with her. Discretion is a must here as doing anything loud or public could severely ruin multiple people’s lives. You and I know what she is doing is wrong but you are not the one to decide how it all plays out.

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06/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – FYI 2+2=5

“I am 65, a retired gay man married to “Jack,” who is 37, who is a musician and a medical researcher.

We’ve been together for 14 years. Yesterday a friend, “Drew,” came back to our city to visit. He came over for dinner. They spent the entire evening discussing music, bands of the ’70s, bands of the ’80s, bands of the present, who was influenced by whom, who the guitar player was in which band.

I’ll admit there were several decades when I did not pay attention to popular music.

I was raised with classical music and am currently studying voice. I felt totally cut out of the conversation.

Let’s face it. Radiohead was NOT influenced by Schubert. Once or twice I tried to interject a new subject, but I felt like I was making a non sequitur. Most of John’s friends have been very supportive of our relationship and have gone out of their way to accept me. Aside from politely excusing myself and retreating to my computer, I’m not sure what I should have done in this situation. Any thoughts? Thank you. — Who is Radiohead?”

Dear Who:

Who is Radiohead? WHO IS RADIOHEAD!? Are you a creep? Are you a weirdo? Am I going to have to call the Karma Police?

Don’t leave me high and dry. This one’s optimistic…that you’ll be able to find a way into the conversation because I’m going to tell you how.

Firstly, how do you know Radiohead wasn’t influenced by Schubert? You gotta listen to them first! Don’t go about making broad statements without evidence. It makes you look ignorant. And THIS is how you can help yourself out in future situations: listen to the bands, artists, and musicians they mentioned and the next time it comes up you can contribute to the conversation. And since you are studying voice, you can add some depth to the conversation by bringing up your lessons and own musical background to add to the conversation.

This is just another jigsaw falling into place of the puzzle that is a relationship. Little by little you will find common musical interests and then it will all be OK…computer.

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06/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Robbing The Cradle Is Better Than Robbing The Grave

“I’m a 16-year-old guy, and am going to be a junior in high school this year.

I’m attracted to a girl, “Randi,” who is a friend of my younger twin sisters. She is 14 and is going to be a freshman at the same school I go to.

We are very close friends, which causes a lot of tension with my sisters and my parents, who think I’m being inappropriate. Randi and I talk all the time, and she has also expressed some interest in me. I’ve been considering whether to ask her out and make it official.

Is my family right about her being too young? She’s very mature for her age. Should I continue to pursue this, or wait and possibly miss my chance? — Slightly Older Guy”

Dear Slightly Older:

You’re not being inappropriate. You’re being a 16-year-old guy who happens to have a thing for a Freshman.

You might want to hold off on saying things like “She’s very mature for her age.” That’s the kind of stuff guys said on To Catch A Predator.

I say go after her. You can hold off for a bit as she settles in to the new school surroundings, ultimately still being present and letting her know you’re around to help. Stay her friend and when you feel that the time is right, ask her out.

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04/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Oversharing At It’s Finest

“I recently responded to a friend’s Facebook post. She had posted a picture from her past. I commented on how nice it was to see the photo and what great memories it brought back.

She then responded to my post with a cringe-worthy comment, asking if I remembered a certain night with “so and so.”

I do remember those days well. They are buried deep — just where I want them. My family (kids, husband, other relatives, etc.) see these responses.

I have no intentions of sharing stories of youthful indiscretions with the aforementioned FB friend. I just wish everyone would be mindful of comments made beyond “nice picture” or “brings back memories.”

I’m sure I’ll catch a lot of heat from readers, but I want to keep my past to myself.

What do you think? — What’s Past is Past”

Dear Past:

I think you have a point here. Obviously there are certain things you don’t want aired out and yet your friend treated the reply button as a personal message between the two of you. It’s oversharing. Social networks are littered with oversharing. It sometimes makes you want to go all Eduardo Saverin on the computer and slam it on the table.

Here’s what you can do: 1) Ignore it and move on. 2) Delete your original response so people seeing the responses won’t know she’s talking to or about you (unless she wrote your name/tagged you in the post). 3) Message her directly and say “Listen Linda, please don’t bring up my tryst with Todd from ages ago. I would prefer my kids and husband to not see or know about this part of my past.”

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03/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Grandma Been Drinkin’ Na Naaaaaa

“I need your help with a very sensitive situation with my in-laws. My mother-in-law drinks too much at family functions. We recently celebrated my son’s first birthday party (her first grandchild) and she (again) had too much to drink. She was slurring her words, wobbly on her feet and was having uncomfortable conversations with our other guests.

When my wife confronted her about her behavior (at the party), she became defensive and immediately responded that my wife is too judgmental. She used profanity at my wife and said she was never coming to our house again. She also began to act like a teenager and stomped up the stairs and slammed doors, etc. We are concerned for her safety as well as the safety of our son.

This has been a pattern for her over the past 15-plus years. I am only just coming into this situation within the last four years since marrying my wife. It seems to be a cycle where these situations occur, my mother-in-law backs off drinking for a few months and then she starts back up again.

How can we address this issue without having her feel like we are having an intervention or attacking her?

When she is not drinking she is the best mother-in-law and grandmother in the world. She is very helpful and always goes above and beyond for the family. — Concerned Son-In-Law”

Dear Son-in-Law:

What kind of response did you expect from a drunk person? Of course she’s going to throw a tantrum, call you names and swear at you! That’s what drunk people do when they get defensive! There’s no point in trying to talk to them.

You answered your own question. When she’s sober, she’s great. Ergo, talk to her about her behavior then and bring up your concerns.

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