Tag Archives: Advice

27/04/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Typical Teens, Can’t Control Their Volume

“My husband and I have a 15-year-old daughter and a 17-year-old son. We both work full time. We are generally happy for the kids to have their friends at our house. We have a finished basement with a 70-inch TV — the largest in the house. The basement is carpeted and has a couch, chairs and a foosball table.

One problem: When our daughter has her friends over, they are SO LOUD.

It is fine when they are in the basement. When they are in the kitchen and we are in the den (next to each other), we have a volume battle. She gets peeved with us because we ask her to ask them to lower their volume.

She shushes her friends and they in turn get peeved with her, saying they can’t make any noise in our house. True passive-aggressive teenage behavior.

This, of course, means her friends don’t want to come to our home because they can’t “be themselves.” We do not think it is too much to ask that they hold down the volume. She suggests we watch TV in our bedroom. Are we alone in thinking this is crazy? Why should we be expected to stay in our room while our daughter entertains her friends? — *A House Divided By Noise”

Dear House:

These girls just want attention. They congregate in the kitchen because they want to be heard. It’s a classic teenager move. They are also just that – teenagers – so naturally, they are going to be loud. If I had a nickel for every time a girl in my middle school got loud when talking to another girl, I’d have a shit load of nickels. (I don’t have a good frame of reference on High School behavior since I went to an all guys school.)

You shouldn’t be expected to stay in your room in your house while they are there. You are opening up your house to her friends and they should behave themselves accordingly. The next time they get loud in the kitchen, ask that the girls take their gathering into the basement where they can be as loud as they want. From what it sounds like, they couldn’t care less about the foosball table.

You sound disappointed that her friends might not want to hang out at your house. Given all the drama and baggage teenage girls carry, I don’t understand why. If they can’t behave themselves and follow your rules then they won’t hang out there and you’ll have a quiet house.

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25/04/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Put A Ring On It

“I have a 23-year-old granddaughter who has been living with a 25-year-old man for over five years. He doesn’t seem to feel he should get engaged or plan their marriage.

I know she is upset about not getting a ring and approached him about it a few months ago. He said he would get her a ring but wanted to wait until he had saved enough money for it. But time goes on and still no ring!

He treats her well and to my knowledge her only complaint is that he will not commit to engagement or marriage. His parents lived together for seven years before they got married, so that might be one reason why he hasn’t made the commitment.

I’ve been married for 60 years and feel that if you are going to live with someone you need to make a commitment to marry soon — and not several years down the road. Am I old-fashioned?

Should I let her continue to be “used” by him? I feel that the lack of commitment doesn’t show her respect. Perhaps his argument is that he is committed — by providing for her as she continues her education. They live as man and wife without the ring and marriage. I know that it bothers her, but she continues to hang in there. — Disappointed”

Dear Disappointed:

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24/04/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Gramma Can Only See Color

“I am a grandmother, with four beautiful/handsome grandchildren.

Our oldest grandchild is a beautiful, blond, smart 18-year-old girl. We are Caucasian. She is dating an African American and we in the family are disappointed and outraged.

She sees nothing wrong with this. We all have black friends and acquaintances, but dating or marrying African Americans has never crossed our minds.

I know it’s not as taboo as it was years ago, but we just can’t see this happening. We’ve tried telling her it’s not an easy road to travel and that there are consequences with this relationship. Help! She says we are racists. Are we? — Disappointed Gramma”

Dear Gramma:

You’re racist.

Those who are outraged are racist.

Plain and simple.

What “consequences” are there with this relationship? I see none. You only see the color of his skin and cling to an outdated notion that people of different races cannot be together. “It’s not as taboo as it was years ago,” because it’s not taboo at all.

You say you have friends and acquaintances who are black but I doubt they’re truly your friends. If they knew how you felt about your granddaughter dating a black man then I’m sure they’d tell you what I already know.

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23/04/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Fiance’s Out, But She Still Wants A Wedding…Uh, What?

“My sister has been engaged for the past year and has everything planned for a wedding this summer. However, her fiance has recently contacted her to let her know he is no longer interested in marrying her.

My sister is distraught, but we have a four-month window to cancel the hotel, the band, etc., and still recoup a large portion of the deposit money.

My sister does not want us to cancel anything. She has told us multiple times that if we cancel the wedding, she won’t have the opportunity to fix this broken relationship, and she will wind up never getting married. She is having a very hard time coming to terms with her current situation. Meanwhile, her fiance has moved out of their home and is living with a friend.

If we do not cancel the venue we stand to lose many thousands of dollars, but we still want to support my sister. What is the right thing to do? — Distraught”

Dear Distraught:

Your sister is living in Crazy Town and not the one populated by the band of the same name.

This thing with her fiance is done, finished. The relationship is not broken at this point, it’s shattered. Keeping the wedding afloat in the hopes that he’ll reconsider is the pipiest(new word) of pipe dreams. He’s moved out and moved on. Wasting money on this extravagant party – which it’s just that at this point, a party – is a truly horrible idea.

What if he doesn’t show? Which he won’t. How crushed will she be when that happens? That would be worse than calling off the whole thing. It would be traumatizing and she may never recover from the humiliation. You can’t let her go through with this plan.

By canceling everything now you are supporting her future.

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22/04/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – This Isn’t Project X, That’s Too Many People

“I invited a friend and her family (husband and two children) to vacation with us at my parents’ home this summer.

My parents were willing to host all of us (four adults and four children) in their home.

While at a party at my friend’s home, one guest, a friend of hers, commented that our summer plans sounded like fun. In response, my friend invited her friend and two children to my parents’ home for this trip.

My friend turned to me, in front of her friend and others, and asked if it was OK that they join us.

I felt as if I were backed into a corner and had to be amenable to the invitation or risk upsetting and/or angering someone.

I told my parents about the recent development and they were quite upset that my friend invited others to their home without consulting them.

Including my parents, there will be 13 people staying at my parents’ home for five nights. My parents are older and I cannot expect them to feed all of these guests, invited or not, during their stay.

I am not sure how to handle this situation without upsetting or angering anyone.

I want to put stipulations upon the visit, for instance, guests provide their own food, beverages, linens, etc., for their stay, but how? — Taken Advantage Of”

Dear Taken:

“I don’t know who you are. I don’t know what you want. If you are looking for ransom I can tell you I don’t have money, but what I do have are a very particular set of skills. Skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you, but if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you and I will kill you.”

Sorry, I had to. I mean, you responded with “Taken” so I ran with it…

But seriously, this is all on you. You could’ve easily taken the reins and said “I’m sorry but the house is already full enough as it is.” But you didn’t and now you need to go over to this friend of hers and tell her that she is no longer invited. For future reference: grow a pair.

You can say “I talked it over with my parents and while they would enjoy your company it would be too many people under one roof for them to accommodate.” In this situation you cannot be concerned with angering people since it’s not just you who is affected by the situation. It just needs to be done.

The friend you originally invited is also a bad guest. She thought that since she was going that she could invite anyone she wanted. That’s just poor etiquette.

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