Tag Archives: Advice

07/02/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – It’s Time To Bring Out The Big Balloons, As Katy Perry Said

“Ten years ago my friends and I were all reaching a milestone birthday. There were surprise parties, dinners and girls’ nights out to celebrate. Because I’m the youngest in the group, my birthday arrived several months after everyone else’s. When my big day came, I received no acknowledgment at all — no lunch, no calls, not even an email. I was disappointed and hurt.

Now another milestone birthday is on the horizon. I’ve received my first party invitation. I don’t want to be petty, but I don’t feel like celebrating with a group of people who forgot about me when it was my turn. I also don’t want to dredge up something that happened 10 years ago. Should I just smile, attend the parties and plan to celebrate by myself at the end of the year? — B-day Blues”

Dear Blues:

You have to mention this to your friends. Celebrating your birthday alone is awful. I’ve been there. I was hundreds of miles away from home and I was sent a cake and pizza to eat/share with my friends only, for some reason (they had class or were “busy”), I was eating the cake and pizza alone. A month or two later some of those people celebrated someone’s half birthday … are you shitting me? I brought it up – I think rather loudly – and the next year they literally set my floor on fire in the shape of a “J”. If you don’t bring it up you will be eating cake and pizza alone and that’s nothing to celebrate.

Here’s a Katy Perry song to cheer you up:

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06/02/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – He’s Got You By The Ovaries

“My boyfriend and I have been dating for six years. He is 26 and I am 23. We live together and share everything. We have talked about marriage and kids many times, but we seem to have different opinions. He says we might get married, but then he changes his mind.

He sees us as pretty much “married” already (but without legal documentation) and he’s worried about our financial status if we get married. He says he’ll feel really old if we get married and that he wants to “experience life” before he gives it up for a kid.

I told him if he ever asked me to marry him I would say yes and if he wanted kids I would have them. I don’t want to push him away, but I want to be bound to him legally and religiously.

For now, we are relying on his parents financially. I just want to know for sure if we’ll take things to the next level. If not, I will stay with him regardless, I guess. How should I approach this? — Confused”

Dear Confused:

So, lemme get this straight, you’ve been dating since you were 17 and he was 20? … Was that legal? Or did you Age of Extinction me and find out about Romeo & Juliet laws? Either way, I digress.

Your boyfriend talks about feeling “really old” when he gets married (NEWSFLASH: it means you’re getting older when you get married!) and wanting to “experience life” (Sounds like he doesn’t want to be tied down, maybe he’s got something on the side?) before all of that and it makes me believe that he really doesn’t want to get married or have kids at all. He has said he doesn’t want them any time soon but you two are far too young to be getting married, having kids, living on your own etc. and given that you are still looking to his parents for financial help … I don’t think marriage or a baby is right for you. Pump the brakes on the ol’ baby-maker.

Whoa whoa whoa. I just noticed something else: You want this relationship to go to the next level but you’re willing to stick with the status quo regardless … You’re a tough one to crack. You want marriage and a baby, but only if he does. You don’t want to push him away, but you can’t leave him. He seems to have you by the (female version of) balls (ovaries?). He knows what you want but won’t give in. You’re trapped in this relationship and you need to take a hard look in the mirror and see what you want and then tell your boyfriend how you’re feeling. Only then can you move forward.

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05/02/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – That Girl Is Poison

“I have a friend who is not really a friend at all. We attend graduate school together. What started out as being in the same study group and saying “hello” in the hallway has turned into a toxic relationship that I can’t endure.

“Emily” always has a million problems, which she deems much worse than what anyone else is going through. For instance, when I told her my childhood pet was very sick and needed to be put to sleep, she told me to “quit throwing myself a pity party” because she had “real” problems.

I have tried just listening politely to her problems, then started distancing myself from her, but this only led to her becoming needier.

She regularly asks for updates on where I am, what I’m doing, what I’m eating, etc., and passes judgment on all aspects of my life.

I have gently informed her I am an adult and do not appreciate this unsolicited advice or being burdened with her problems, but nothing seems to work. I do not know what else to do.

The school is small, and we still have a few years left together, so I don’t want to blow her off completely and risk seeming unprofessional, but I also can’t tolerate her anymore. Do you have suggestions for “breaking up” with her as gracefully as possible? — Fed Up with “Frenemy””

Dear Fed Up:

Do what I did to a few girls I briefly dated: just slowly cut off communication with them so that they get the hint. Yes, I know, I’m an asshole for doing that and I’ve since learned that’s now how a relationship should end. But this girl sounds like she needs this exact treatment. Wean her off of you because “that girl is poison.”

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04/02/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – I’ve Smelled Worse

“A few days ago I was at the airport gate waiting for our departure when a woman with a bag from a fast-food place came up and sat in our midst. She pulled out her burger and fries and ate them, then got up and left the area. (I couldn’t see if she went to her gate or found another seat.)

I exchanged looks with a couple of the other people waiting, as we all were aware of her aromatic meal.

Likewise, movie theaters now sell pizza and nachos in addition to popcorn, and the smell of some of this stuff is nauseating, especially if one hasn’t eaten in a while and doesn’t indulge in greasy fried foods. Is there a nice way to ask someone to eat somewhere else, or is this another convention that we simply have to live with? — Peter”

Dear Peter:

Way to go with using your, supposedly, real name dude.

If you don’t like the smell then you can move. Unless it’s a designated “No Eating” area then you have no beef here. See what I did there? And please, stop trying to be all high and mighty by saying you don’t “indulge in greasy fried foods.” You’re not better than me or anyone else who does. Bringing it up only makes you look like a twat.

It’s a public space, the woman has the right to eat what she wants, where she wants. I am willing to bet that the eating area was fully occupied so she was just looking for a place to sit and eat before her flight. And she found one near you. Also, you “exchanged looks”? What the [expletive deleted] does that mean? Congratulations, your collective noses work. It’s not like she whipped out a day-old tuna and started cutting it up. It was a burger and fries. Chillax.

As for movie theatres, again, if you don’t like the smell then move. I have seen people bring in Chinese food and when they open that Styrofoam container I smell it and go “Gah, that’s not what I want to smell!” So what do I do? I bear it, because I know that it will only last a few minutes. Then I stuff my face with popcorn. Asking someone to sit somewhere else because you are bothered by its smell is a dick move. You wouldn’t do that at a restaurant would you? Um, excuse me, Miss, could you eat your Bloomin’ Onion at another table? The smell is bothering me. No! That would NEVER happen! Suck it up for a few minutes. You’ll survive.

 

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03/02/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – All About Steve, Who Sucks

“I am a 56-year-old woman stuck in a once-good relationship that has turned stale and neglectful.

My partner “Steve” and I met 14 years ago during a rough time for both of us. (I was in a bad long-term relationship and he had just survived cancer.) We seemed to have so much in common and got along so well. Now he seems aloof and disinterested, sometimes spending nights away from home with no explanation.

I get so depressed about this that I could spend an entire day home in bed just thinking about it. I thought about asking his family for help, but I fear they wouldn’t be supportive.

Steve is a great provider. But I keep wondering: How can I get him to stay? How can I get him to stop walking away? Any advice? — Neglected”

Dear Neglected:

As soon as you said Steve I thought of The Waterboy and Bobby Boucher’s mom saying this: “[W]hile I’m sittin’ here all day with nobody to keep me company, except Steve?”

Except you don’t even have Steve to keep you company. Steve is gone and you’re stuck laying in bed saying “Woe is me!” Stop doing that! It’s not healthy! He’s dropping hints that he doesn’t want to be around you. Like, HUGE HINTS. Have you tried asking him upfront what his deal is? Regardless, I don’t think this is going to end well. He seems to be halfway completely out the door, literally. It’s best to confront him and see where this all ends. Maybe there’s a silver lining, maybe not, but you need to talk to him to find out.

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