“My husband and I have been married for 28 years. We’ve had some ups and downs, but we have three great (adult) kids, a nice house, decent jobs, no debt, and we generally get along well.
A couple of years ago I found out that my husband had been viewing Internet porn. A lot.
I was devastated. I’ve never had great self-esteem where my appearance is concerned, and my husband has never been one to pay compliments.
We went to counseling and he said all the right things. I told him I was crushed by what he was doing and that I needed to know that he finds me physically attractive. I said this often, in sessions and at home.
More than a year later I still don’t get compliments. I know he no longer views porn, and I know that he loves me and appreciates me, but I can’t understand why he can’t do this for me.
I know I am just an average middle-aged woman, but I am not overweight, I take good care of myself, I am involved in many activities. Though I know I’m nowhere near perfect, when I look in the mirror I am OK with what I see. Should I just get over it?
Should I accept that this is MY problem and that he is not ever going to say what I need to hear, and just drop it and appreciate the good things in my life? I rarely mention this to him anymore. — Dejected”
Dear Dejected:
Firstly, what kind of porn was your husband looking at? Because if it was GILF’s and/or overweight women then I think you’re in the clear … Sort of, but that’s a whole other ball of wax. Porn … porn is weird. It’s changed so much in the last 30-40 years. Where there were once films featuring natural men and women there are now videos populated with silicon and plastic … sigh. But that’s also a whole other ball of wax and not relating to you at all.
He’s not viewing porn anymore which is great, but he’s still not acknowledging you and you should know that it’s a two-way street. You need to reach out and tell him “Hey, you look nice/handsome/sexy today” and then, maybe then, it will draw him into realizing that you are still attracted to him and in turn he will give you compliments.
And if all else fails, is there anything you would be willing to do to spice up the physical attraction/sexual energy without reintroducing porn into the mix? Maybe some role playing will jump start the old “engines”???
John Kidde Writes 