John Kidde Writes

“Sixteen years ago my best friend introduced me to a man who would become my husband. Her husband, “Stan,” also was my (future) husband’s best friend.

The four of us traveled together for work and for fun and saw each other at least once a week. They even came on our honeymoon cruise.

Fast-forward to 2010. My best friend passed away. I was with her daily for the last month of her life. Stan and my husband continued to be best friends, and we saw him frequently. Then two years ago, MY husband died. Again, Stan was there for me through it all.

Stan has been dating a woman for almost a year. She has decided that I am a threat to her. I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever, but we have been through a lot together, losing our respective spouses and best friends.

Now, Stan doesn’t even talk to me. No calls, no emails … nothing. He told me (last September) that he is trying to help her “work through” her insecurities. She does not feel this way about anyone else in our circle of mutual friends. Only me.

I have declined a few invitations from friends, knowing that she will be there watching my every move. I have not contacted him, but really miss his friendship. I am also very close to his children and grandchildren.

Do I just accept that I am no longer a part of his life and move on, or should I sit down and talk to him? Should I talk to her as well? Should I try to explain that I am not interested in him “that way”? We have social situations where we will run into each other. I am really hurt that he basically dumped our 16 years of friendship over a new girlfriend. — Excluded”

Dear Excluded:

I am very sorry for your losses and I am not lying when I say that this is one of the saddest stories I have read. It almost unfolded out like a novel or film in front of me and I thought that you were going to say that you and Stan got together. But you didn’t and I understand that.

One thing of note here is that I truly hope that his grandchildren are from a child born within those 16 years that you’ve known him because that would be weird.

I say screw this new woman Stan’s dating and show her you’re not a threat. Not literally screw, but you know what I mean. Go to those parties you know she’ll be at and let her watch you be normal and not fawning over Stan. It’s the only way she will see that you’re not interested in him. That, and if you were to show up with another man – but that may be too much for you given all that you’ve lost. Once she sees that you’re not a threat the claws will detract and you will have your friend back.