My late wife passed away two years ago. We always had a dog in our house. He died a year ago. I now have a new lady love in my life, but she doesn’t want a pet in her house. I’m dying to have another dog, and I don’t know what to do. Please advise.
— PETLESS IN TEXAS
Dear Petless,
Get a new lady. Dogs are the best.
“I am a widower of four years and have a lady friend who has been a widow for over a decade. We are both in our mid-70s and have been friends for some time. Along with my family, she was hugely instrumental in helping me out of a dark place after my wife’s death. She was my late wife’s friend.
About nine months after my loss I found myself falling deeply in love with this woman. We spent a lot of time together, fixing meals for each other and going out with other couples.
We discussed remarriage and I proposed to her more than once. My proposals brought tears to her eyes but the “yes” never happened. A little over a year ago she decided that we should just be friends.
She is quite independent, cherishes her alone time, church work and female friends, and says she likes her life the way it is.
*I can’t get her out of my mind and I am still deeply in love with her. Any suggestions regarding regaining her love for a possible future together? — Frustrated”
Dear Frustrated:
I feel your pain.
LITERALLY yesterday a girl who I had been conversing with and hung out with told me that she could “only offer me friendship” and that I have an “amazing personality and my sense of humor is on point” but that, to her, I was only ever going to be a friend. Nothing more.
This is nowhere near the level that you are describing but, being relegated to the “Friend Zone” when you want something more can be soul crushing. It is also impossible to change their mind. This isn’t Inception and you don’t have Jedi powers. You can continue to pursue this woman knowing that she will never think of you as more than her friend but that will have a negative impact on you.
You will continue to tell yourself that you can change her mind and that she will grow to love you. She won’t. The two of you will go hiking, to a museum, see a movie or whatever but as you stare longingly at her, she will be looking elsewhere. Time will pass and you will still be by yourself as she goes on dates with other guys and you’ll wonder what she sees in them to allow them entry into her romantic side and not you, and it will eat at you. You will begin to resent her and hate that you let yourself be dragged along because you thought you could change her perception of you. You can’t and you won’t. You will be alone and question why you focused your time and energy on her when you could have been searching for someone who actually wants to be with you in the way that you want. You will cut off the friendship but it’s too late. She’s already become a large part of your life. You may get over her, you may not. You may find someone else, you may not. You’re aimless and realize that you should have made your own path instead of following hers.
If that hypothetical timeline doesn’t dissuade you then you should go a do whatever you want. If you truly want something more from this relationship and she isn’t going to give it to you, then you need to exit quietly and find someone who will.
“Sixteen years ago my best friend introduced me to a man who would become my husband. Her husband, “Stan,” also was my (future) husband’s best friend.
The four of us traveled together for work and for fun and saw each other at least once a week. They even came on our honeymoon cruise.
Fast-forward to 2010. My best friend passed away. I was with her daily for the last month of her life. Stan and my husband continued to be best friends, and we saw him frequently. Then two years ago, MY husband died. Again, Stan was there for me through it all.
Stan has been dating a woman for almost a year. She has decided that I am a threat to her. I have no romantic interest in him whatsoever, but we have been through a lot together, losing our respective spouses and best friends.
Now, Stan doesn’t even talk to me. No calls, no emails … nothing. He told me (last September) that he is trying to help her “work through” her insecurities. She does not feel this way about anyone else in our circle of mutual friends. Only me.
I have declined a few invitations from friends, knowing that she will be there watching my every move. I have not contacted him, but really miss his friendship. I am also very close to his children and grandchildren.
Do I just accept that I am no longer a part of his life and move on, or should I sit down and talk to him? Should I talk to her as well? Should I try to explain that I am not interested in him “that way”? We have social situations where we will run into each other. I am really hurt that he basically dumped our 16 years of friendship over a new girlfriend. — Excluded”
Dear Excluded:
I am very sorry for your losses and I am not lying when I say that this is one of the saddest stories I have read. It almost unfolded out like a novel or film in front of me and I thought that you were going to say that you and Stan got together. But you didn’t and I understand that.
One thing of note here is that I truly hope that his grandchildren are from a child born within those 16 years that you’ve known him because that would be weird.
I say screw this new woman Stan’s dating and show her you’re not a threat. Not literally screw, but you know what I mean. Go to those parties you know she’ll be at and let her watch you be normal and not fawning over Stan. It’s the only way she will see that you’re not interested in him. That, and if you were to show up with another man – but that may be too much for you given all that you’ve lost. Once she sees that you’re not a threat the claws will detract and you will have your friend back.
John Kidde Writes 