Monthly Archives: December 2014

26/12/2014
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – The Only Prescription for Baby Fever is More Cowbell

“I am a 20-year-old woman who has graduated from college. I have a wonderful full-time job and am in a new relationship with a much older man.

Although the relationship is new, I am constantly daydreaming about becoming pregnant. You know that baby-fever feeling that makes you want to cry about being so empty and barren?

I realize that since my boyfriend is older he’s at a stage in his life where he is ready to start settling down. I want so much, so fast. I want the marriage, the kids, the home. But I want it after only a couple months of dating. My question is, how fast is too fast? — Impatient”

Dear Impatient:

Slow your roll. You’re 20. You’re throwing around words like “empty” and “barren” like they don’t mean what they actually mean and it’s a bit over dramatic and offensive to women who cannot have children. Take a deep breath. You will have kids when you are both ready to have them.

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25/12/2014
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – When Aunt Flo Comes To Town, Stay In The Guest Room

“I have been going out with my girlfriend for almost three years. Lately, I have noticed that when it is her “time of the month” she will become extremely angry or get extremely down on herself. The last couple times she got this way I shrugged it off, but a few days ago, she told me that she did not want to eat because she thought that she looked fat, even though she told me she was having headaches because she was so hungry. I offered to get some food for her. She then got angry and stormed off.

It has gotten to the point where it may affect her relationships. I’m worried about her.

I really love her and I do not want to break up with her, but is there anything that I can say or do to persuade her not to be so negative during that time? — A Worried Boyfriend”

Dear Worried:

Bro, steer clear when ‘Aunt Flo’ comes to town. Jumping ship to another girl won’t change the situation, it’s biology. Since the dawn of time women have been PMS-ing, from Delilah to Carrie to Lorena Bobbitt, you should know to just give her space because she’s not her normal self during this time.

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23/12/2014
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Australia, Travel

Australian Rules

AFL, or Australian Rules Football, is an odd game. To the untrained eye it’s just a bunch of guys running around kicking, catching, passing and punting a ball that looks like a rugby ball. Upon closer inspection it’s an incredibly nuanced game filled with rules about taking too many steps with the ball before bouncing it on the ground, getting a “mark” on a player, and then kicking it through vertical posts (called the goal and behinds) for varying point totals (six and one respectively).

The game is particularly thrilling to watch, especially live, as it is very fast-paced and the players are in top athletic shape as they crash into other players, making spectacular plays on the ball. After the game, they let the fans come down and throw around their own ball on the field! People, young and old alike, are down there tossing the ball around, sending it through the air and having their own bit of fun after they watched their team play. It’s, and this sounds cheesy but it’s true, fun for the whole family.

I recommend checking out some clips on YouTube or go directly to the AFL website to learn more about the game. I’ll leave you with some photos I took at the Gabba watching my Brisbane Lions.

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23/12/2014
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Ah, Adults Acting Like Children — It Must Be Christmas

“I have been dating my boyfriend for over a year. We feel like we are very serious about one another. His older siblings and their spouses do a long-distance gift exchange each year. It originally started out at $50, but last year it increased to $100. Each person sends his/her gift requests to everyone in the group and names are pulled at random and secretly assigned by one sibling’s secretary.

These gifts are then purchased and sent to the respective recipient and then we Skype one another on a certain date/time and open the gifts “together.” It seems foolish and materialistic to me.

My boyfriend included me in his family’s gift exchange plans without consulting me first. I reluctantly agreed to it. I tried asking my boyfriend to negotiate a better price point, but he said if I didn’t want to participate I could back out.

I have only met these family members once. Part of me wants to suggest nonprofit organizations they could donate to on my behalf, but I don’t want to make any enemies

How do I walk this line? — Tightrope Walker”

Dear Walker:

Your boyfriend’s family needs to rethink this whole “Secret Santa” deal. What’s the point in giving a list to people with things that you want and then getting them those gifts? This sounds very needy of them. They send a list of things they want and then someone is tasked with going out and getting said things??? I don’t like it. It sounds very childish.

You don’t want to make enemies, but you clearly don’t like anything that this gift group – that you were roped into – is doing. As I’ve done Secret Santa, you are assigned a person and then you buy them a gift or gifts, all the while staying under a dollar amount. Suggest this and if they balk send them your charity list. Or just get out entirely.

I don’t care for the Skype date for opening presents. If you’re not there to see them open it in person, they can call you and tell you about it after. This too, seems childish and fosters a “look at me” attitude which, as adults, shouldn’t exist.

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21/12/2014
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Let Me Call The Whambulance For Your Cousin

“How do you deal with family over the holidays?

I have one out-of-state cousin who is the Grinch, and he’s going to be staying with us. He thinks, “If I buy you a $50 gift, you buy me a $50 gift.”

I think you buy what you can afford and not expect anything in return. If someone gives you a gift, then great; if not, then great!

I am only a receptionist and cannot afford lavish/expensive gifts for everyone.

I get my other cousins $2 lottery tickets and that’s it. Now I feel like if I do that for him, he will cry to our grandma or, worse, say something on Christmas morning!

We are all adults now and I feel like we are in eighth grade! Any advice for dealing with him? This is bringing unwanted dread and anxiety when I should be excited and happy during the holidays. I think he forgot the true meaning of Christmas. — HO HO NO”

Dear Ho Ho No:

This guy goes and cries to your grandma? Uhhhhh, clearly this guy has issues that extend BEYOND gifting.

By his logic, if he bought you a .50¢ gift then you could give him a .50¢ gift. That’s just stupid. You afford what you can afford and if he doesn’t like the gift/approve of what you spent then take it back and get your money back. You could spend $20 on something that may be perfect for him but since it didn’t cost what he spent on you, he’d be mad. Who gives a shit? That’s not the point of giving gifts or the true meaning of Christmas.

One Christmas, I bought my mom a set of hand made glasses from Italy that she mentioned she liked. It didn’t matter how much it cost to me because I knew she would love it and that made me feel good to do so, no matter the cost. I did not expect her to get me something comparable in price. In fact, that very same Christmas she gave me an awesome Batman mug and it’s one of my favorite gifts that I’ve ever received.

Your cousin needs to learn this maxim that I’ve known since I was young:
Happiness is not getting what you want, but being content with what you have.

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