John Kidde Writes

“I am a widower of four years and have a lady friend who has been a widow for over a decade. We are both in our mid-70s and have been friends for some time. Along with my family, she was hugely instrumental in helping me out of a dark place after my wife’s death. She was my late wife’s friend.

About nine months after my loss I found myself falling deeply in love with this woman. We spent a lot of time together, fixing meals for each other and going out with other couples.

We discussed remarriage and I proposed to her more than once. My proposals brought tears to her eyes but the “yes” never happened. A little over a year ago she decided that we should just be friends.

She is quite independent, cherishes her alone time, church work and female friends, and says she likes her life the way it is.

*I can’t get her out of my mind and I am still deeply in love with her. Any suggestions regarding regaining her love for a possible future together? — Frustrated”

Dear Frustrated:

I feel your pain.

LITERALLY yesterday a girl who I had been conversing with and hung out with told me that she could “only offer me friendship” and that I have an “amazing personality and my sense of humor is on point” but that, to her, I was only ever going to be a friend. Nothing more.

This is nowhere near the level that you are describing but, being relegated to the “Friend Zone” when you want something more can be soul crushing. It is also impossible to change their mind. This isn’t Inception and you don’t have Jedi powers. You can continue to pursue this woman knowing that she will never think of you as more than her friend but that will have a negative impact on you.

You will continue to tell yourself that you can change her mind and that she will grow to love you. She won’t. The two of you will go hiking, to a museum, see a movie or whatever but as you stare longingly at her, she will be looking elsewhere. Time will pass and you will still be by yourself as she goes on dates with other guys and you’ll wonder what she sees in them to allow them entry into her romantic side and not you, and it will eat at you. You will begin to resent her and hate that you let yourself be dragged along because you thought you could change her perception of you. You can’t and you won’t. You will be alone and question why you focused your time and energy on her when you could have been searching for someone who actually wants to be with you in the way that you want. You will cut off the friendship but it’s too late. She’s already become a large part of your life. You may get over her, you may not. You may find someone else, you may not. You’re aimless and realize that you should have made your own path instead of following hers.

If that hypothetical timeline doesn’t dissuade you then you should go a do whatever you want. If you truly want something more from this relationship and she isn’t going to give it to you, then you need to exit quietly and find someone who will.