Tag Archives: Selfish

14/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Daddy’s Girl Is Still Grieving

“I am 27 years old. I have always been a daddy’s girl. My dad and I were extremely close until his passing almost three years ago after a three-year battle with cancer.

Before this, my parents had been married for 30 years. Recently my mother has been talking on her phone way more than usual, and I asked my sister whom she was talking to. Apparently this guy has been coming around and taking her on trips out of town and such.

When I first heard this I was very bothered. I’m writing because my boyfriend is saying I’m being selfish for not approving of this. I’m still grieving, so why isn’t she? Please help me understand and be possibly close to being OK with this. Is my boyfriend right? — Daddy’s Girl.”

Dear Daddy’s Girl:

Everyone grieves differently and for varying lengths of time. You don’t sound all that close to your mother. Getting second hand news shows you aren’t truly connected to her. It can be hard to move on after someone you love has passed and the paths that you and your mom are taking are very different.

You can’t tell your mom to not seek out happiness just because you are still in pain. That is being selfish.

I’ll be frank, three years is an awfully long time to be grieving. From my own experience, losing someone is awful and yes the pain and the hole that person left is still there but you cannot let that take hold of your life. You need to find a way to move on. As much as you’d like to, you can’t live in the past.

You clearly need to address this with her and tell her how you’re feeling and discuss your father. He was an important man in both of your lives and someone that important should be talked about.

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10/09/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – Partner Left Out of B-Day Celebration

“My best friend has a special birthday coming up. He has invited friends to a special dinner. This invitation includes myself, other individuals and some couples. Some are people I know, and some are not.

My dilemma is that he did not invite my partner. My partner has known him and his wife as long as I have. Other couples on the guest list include people with whom we have all socialized many times.

Initially I thought her name was left off by mistake, so I called him. He explained that there was no mistake; he was inviting only people with whom he felt especially close. He said he did not include her in that category. He said there were also some other couples where he had only invited one of the partners.

My partner was devastated by being left out and I feel in a terrible quandary about whether to attend. On one hand I respect and like him so much I feel honored to be invited at all, but on the other I feel my partner’s pain and I am also hurt that she was left out.

I feel torn two ways — but I am leaning toward not attending.

Can you offer any advice to me and comment on the propriety, or lack of it, in this situation? — Torn”

Dear Torn:

Your friend is kind of an asshole.

He’s picking and choosing members of couples who he wants at his party. You said he’s known the both of you for a long time and yet he wants to include only you in the celebration? That doesn’t sound like much of a friendship. It sounds like he only truly values one of you and that’s not cool.

I think you need to decline the invitation and do something with your partner on that day instead. If, when you tell him, he changes his tune and decides that you can bring your partner along, still decline. Let him know that his selfish ways aren’t tolerated.

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02/03/2015
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Advice

“Jaw With John” – BF Has A Been Busy

“My boyfriend and I have been together for 12 years and have a 9-year-old child.

My boyfriend has three kids from a previous relationship. His ex also had another child a few months younger than mine (from a one-night stand).

Naturally that child thinks my boyfriend is its father and calls him “Dad.”

My boyfriend and his family provide for this child financially just as they do for his biological children. No one has ever mentioned or explained this to the child.

I can’t help but resent my boyfriend for claiming this child, and he has also made it clear that he doesn’t want any more children because he has “five” already.

When is the appropriate time or age to tell this child the truth? Or am I being selfish, since my boyfriend is the only father the child knows? — Truth Hurts”

Dear Truth:

Your boyfriend will tell the child that he is “not the father”, as Maury would say, when he is ready and when he feels it is the right time for the child. He’s being supportive and helping provide for two families here and you’re hung up on this kid – who’s not his – calling him “Dad”. Grow up. Support your boyfriend. He’s trying to do the right thing.

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